Sleep with the angels by Sue Arens

My mother was a very intelligent, funand giving person. I was juststarting to realise all the things Imissed out on with my mom because ofthe lifestyle I had. I am 32 yearsold and never took the time to get toknow my mom. When I became a teenageris when life with "family" meantnothing to me, until now.I always seemed to take the wrongpathways, my friends were all eitheron drugs or selling and making them.This at that time was more important.I couldn't even take care of my sonbecause I was too young (all of 16when I had him) and didn't want tomake the sacrifice. So my mom tookcare of him, and I gave herguardianship. I did love him very muchand felt so lucky that my mom waswilling to help.From then on it got worse.I moved away from home with myboyfriend, got married, went to jailand even sold, used, and cooked drugs(methamphetamine). My house was raideda few times, I lost everything that Iowned, had another son, and so muchmore.I guess it was around 1992 when Imoved to Arizona with my husband. Thiswas after our youngest son was takenaway from us by DPSS and he went toprison for two years. We wanted tostart a new life. This was an ongoingbattle from court to court trying toregain custody of our son.We went to counselling and parentingclasses as well as had supervisedvisitation for about three years.Finally we were able to get him back.After the long process our marriagewas pretty much over. We didn't reallyspend any time together, we livedtogether but I think it was justsomething that either one of us wantedto face.Here it is now October of 1995, Icalled my mom in California (it hadbeen a couple months since I talked toher last) she told me that she wassick with cancer and asked if couldplease come home to help out.My father is an engineer for UnionPacific Railroad and is away from homedays at a time. So I quit my job,cashed my check, packed my car andleft. My husband was at work and Ididn't even tell him I was going. Ithought maybe it would be best if Ijust went and called him when I gotthere.When I got there it was not what Iexpected. I knew my mom was sick, butI guess I didn't want to believe itwas something so serious. So I dideverything possible for my mom. Idrove her to and from chemotherapywhen my dad was unable too. If sheneeded anything I tried to get it. Buther health was getting worse.She seemed to get sicker each day; thedoctors could not pinpoint the originof the cancer so they did not knowwhat to treat it as. They ruled outovarian cancer (as well as removed theovaries). Any female organs that couldbe removed were. So my mother wentthrough several different types ofchemotherapy and had undergonenumerous surgeries. At one point theythought that she was going to be ok.This was when she decided to go backto work full time and started lookingand feeling better.My parents both worked for therailroad and they were offeredpositions up north, they decided toaccept. So they bought a brand newhome outside Sacramento and moved.This was early 1999. They had onlybeen there about a month when Momstarted feeling bad again. Sure enoughthe cancer was back and worse thanbefore.The doctors said there were masseseverywhere, the disease was rapidlyprogressing. She had more surgeriesand more complications. Then she gotan infection, which caused what theycall a "fistula", this was a holewhere her belly button was. Thedoctors could not close this hole andit was eating away at her skin.Eventually she was told her intestinesweren't working, the upper ones justquit and she did not have enough lowerones. Then it got to the point whereMom could never eat or drink again.They put her on a TPN, which was an IVthat was all nutrients and vitamins tokeep her going.I went to visit in April of 2001. Itwas then my mother told me she wasgoing to die and they didn't expecther to make it through the nextChristmas. This was something I neverexpected to hear and I immediatelybroke down.The entire week I was there I wasnumb. I was using every preciousminute with my mom. We had never spentany time together because of me. Thisis one of the most beautiful memoriesI have, and I would have more goodmemories had I tried years ago to be apart of the family. The one week weactually were mother and daughter.When I returned home I talked to mymom's almost daily. Either we wouldtake turns calling or we would talk onthe Internet. Then she was in and outof the hospital for pain reduction;even then not a day went by that Ididn't tell her how much I loved her.Then was told by my doctor that I havebreast cancer. I let my parents know,and started chemo. I didn't know muchat this point except that there weretwo masses in my right breast.About four months later on October 3,2001 when I got the most terrifyingphone call from my dad. He said tome: "Mom's health has taken a turn forthe worse, if you want to spend timewith her or see her while she is stillalive, you had better make it quick."I hung the phone up and just droppedto the floor.I took a flight the very next morning.I arrived in Sacramento and wentstraight to the hospital. I walked into my mom's room. Here she is layingthere looking so weak. When I took herhand and gave her a kiss she turnedher head to me. With a smile Momopened her eyes and said to me: "Ilove you, promise me you will nevergive up fighting the cancer."I just nodded my head. The tears werenon-stop. I was so frightened but knewit had to be.After that my mom never spoke toanyone again, nor did she ever openher eyes again. For the next threedays we watched her laying there, eyesshut but there were tears running downher face. Her doctor came in on thesecond day and told us that itwouldn't be long.I knew and had accepted the fact thatmy mother is laying here in front ofme taking her last breaths of air. Ikept telling her "Mom let go". Icouldn't stand to see her in painanymore. My whole family told her "weare going to be ok, please let go".This was the hardest thing for anyoneof us to do.On October 6, 2001, my mom took herlast breath.All I could think of was all thethings I never got to say or do withmy mother. I was sitting there stillholding her hand with visions of mylife without my mom. We were finallystarting to become close. It had onlybeen about the last five years or sothat we actually got to know eachother as friends, as mother anddaughter.This awful tragedy also made me learnsome valuable lessons. Life is tooshort, family is so very important.You just never know if there is goingto be a tomorrow.There is not a day that goes by that Idon't think of my mom. I see her in mydreams and each night I talk to her. Ipray that this never happens with mychildren. My oldest son is like mybest friend. I make sure to tell themevery day "I love you".I know that my mom is no longer inpain or suffering. She is in a betterplace where there is no pain orsickness.Each time I look up into the sky andsee a star flicker I think it is mymom letting me know she is watchingover me.I sometimes feel as if she is herewith me, walking me through my cancerholding my hand. Even though I knowshe is gone, I also know she is my ownpersonal angel.This is dedicated to the memory of myloving mother Susan L. Conklin,January 5, 1946 - October 6, 2001.