I no longer know how to blog

I haven't been getting a good night sleep for days. and it felt like something wrong is happening inside my body. weird ones. i am getting fatter and fatter and lazy. i went gymming for like three hours yesterday and feel nothing. very impossible. i am so naive and i feel like a tough nut to crack or a tough row to hoe. Neither of it still will means that my feeling of being useless and empty requires a great amount of perseverence and will.

The lack of regular updating here and the lack of words to add in my posts can only suggests that I no longer know how to blog.

better in time

whoever we have had disagreements with (esp. to GHEM) or a grievance maybe, forgive and move on... for your own health's sake too let us let bygones be bygones... we've forgiven you also, hon and i are so happy now, so much in love with each other...

i wanna walk down the isle

i so am envious right now while watching video clips in youtube about the lovers walking down the isle saying for better or for worse, for richer or poorer till death do them part "i do" darn!

i really wanna walk down the isle too... maybe someday... sooner i hope lol... i so want to wear that beautiful gown i saw on the internet a while ago, i wanted to have a venue near a beach or in a resort or probably in baguio where my boyfriend and i had our first date away and first sleep together, i so want to walk while the "orchestra" or "band" were playing pachelbel's Canon in D or bond's lullaby, a rendition of Pachelbel's canon in D. i want to marry my love of my life, my one and only, the dearest man of my life, my boyfriend, Joey Alvin San Juan- Belza.
HOW I WISH

June 9, 2009 4th Monthssary

Ergo, last Tuesday, June 9 was our 4th Monthssary. I was so shocked because it never appeared on my mind that he'll surprised me with roses, cause as my reader knows what happened on that last bunch o' roses he gave me. uhmmn 9 in the morning i was in front of my PC when he entered the office, i did not mind him at first because what i was minding was my blog, afraid that he'll read and see what I was typing here. lol. so fast forward, here he comes with these beautiful roses.
the funny thing is I know it's our monthssary but I just rant him an out of the blue question "WHAT'S WITH THESE BEAUTIFUL ROSES" then he answered so funny "IT'S OUR BIRTHDAY RIGHT?" haha... then i remember, Happy 4th monthssary Honhon, thank you and I Love You I said.

Our Story (06-8,9,10,11-09)

Okay so here's how it goes...

who Joey who?

... the tall, dark and most handsome boyfriend :). Joey Alvin San Juan- Belza

He is the most generous boyfriend, son and brother of two younger siblings. He 's got sweet tooth like me. (yey!) He's the most funny and ever smiley man I've ever met, he loves a good laugh and does not hesitate to crack a joke or two even if you beg him to stop doing so. He's front mean "maskulado" act made people speculate that he's "barumbado" BUT HE'S NOT. though he was a good liar... (heheheh) but when giving his loving attention he somehow holds back at times but when we're like the only people together it's like "this is it... there'll be no tomorrow, seize the moment" type. I feel blessed and happy that I met him cause he's the type of guy you just couldn't find in the streets.


Why Yen-Yen, why!? (why not? what's not to love?)

...the not so beautiful but damn drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend :) Joy "joyenz" Nebreja- Lazaro


I am a school- heiress (heheh) currently stock holder and incorporator at Bethany Christian Academy. I hate washing the dishes but Love cooking. I Graduated as cum Laude in Hotel and Restaurant Management (mind you) yet my boyfriend never really appreciate my cooking's (mean!nyeheheh). I love traveling, the more I slack the more I appreciate the world (lol... lazy huh? i know! haha!). I can still say that I am the most loving, caring, sweetest, the most wonderful girlfriend Alvin can ever have. No one can love him the way i do (o^____________^0) (proven!. Ergo, dang it,I AM MADLY, DEEPLY, CRAZILY In Love with him.


When Alvin met Yen-yen

It wasn't love at first sight... though I really like his eyes.

January 12, 2009 was the day to remember. That was the day we first met on the gym but at that day I'm not interested on looking at other people in the gym, yet he said he saw me and thought I am pretty. And just like what I've told you on my past blogs thousand times before, we started our relationship really shaky, not just shaky but also rough because Alvin use to be in a relationship still that time, yet, without I knowing it, still let him court me and that was the start of our love story (aww!). Ergo, don't ask me anymore what happened but if you wanna know you can go browse my older posts for the whole story.

okay fast forward. so it was the gym (sweat shop) that became the haven of our amity (^___^) where we spend the first three months of the most shuddering bond. these first three months test my ardor for him. two weeks after, January 26, he start courting me through text (how modern huh? i know) it was my best friend norlyn who gave my number to him. so we exchange SMS until dawn and he expressed his desire to court me and another two weeks had past, 9th of February, 9 P.M. in my house he said if he may kiss me, i was shocked and quivering in a good way cause i liked to be kissed too and voila! right then and there a really sweet smack I can still remember ensued. After he went home he send me a text and I never thought that that was it! we're boyfriend- girlfriend already! haha frightened and scared that my mother could sense it I still denied it to myself on the first three days but funny how all those things go and we can't handle our emotion already cause we're falling too down deep to each other, people on the gym realizes our relationship, and they saw how much I Love my Honhon. Honey costs me into so much trouble but infairness to my hubby you can see his transformation from bad-boy into baby boy! lols, i mean into a very dependable, matured, futuristic, lovable man right now. *smirk*.

Today June 9, 09 is our Fourth Blessed Monthsary!

ALDRIN'S

EVEN

. .I'm OpEn, yOu'rE cLoseD

whEr yOu gO, i'LL foLLOw

I wOrRy I wOn't sEE yoUr fAcE

LiGhT uP AgAin. ..

EveN tHe bEsT faLL dOwn sOmeTimeS

EvEn tHe wrOnG wOrd sEEmS tO rhYmE

Out oF thE doUbt thaT fiLLs mY minD

I somehow find

you aNd I coLLide . ..

WORST THING

.. .tHE wOrsTh thinG iS bEinG LonELy. .

. .iT iS wEn tHAt sOMe1 mAkes yOU feEL sPeciaL tHen suDdeNLy LeavEs yOU HanGinG,

. .aND yoU jUzt hAve to aCt tHAt yOU dOnt minD aND pRetEnD tHAt nOthinG is wOrtH reMemBeriNg

SHOUTOUT

neVer allow's somebody 2 be ur priority when in fact ur juzt an option

LOVE CHAPTER

Bakit ganun? di ba sabi "love keeps NO record of wrong doings" pero dahil sa sobrang takot sa mga pinagdaanan ko kay honey parang pilit na bumabalik baalik sakin yung mga yun taz pag naiisip ko nawawalan ako ng tiwala at puro takot pumapalit? nahihirapan ako eh? or pinapahirapan ko sarili ko should i say? SOBRA KO SYANG MAHAL NA MAHAL! to the extent na kaya at handa ko ibigay lahat ng wala ng pagdadalawang isip alam mo yun? wala at never akong nagsisi sa mga bagay bagay kasi mahal ko sya eh... and if i have to i am willing to do it over and over again. kaya lang... when my fear comes... nawawala lahat sakin, can you blame me? kahapon 6-5-09 22nd birthday nya and he celebrated it with our friends dito sa bahay, all is well until i heard a story... i don't know! i know! i kind of like a retard i guess! this is wrong diba? but come on! prove me wrong! prove that i need not to feel any reverence anymore cause i guess VIN'S PURE LOVE IS ENOUGH to stop these things that are shaking me! i dunno know what will happened... GOD here I go again... darn! HONEY i just pray to GOD that... that... that okay HIS WILL BE DONE. Lord help... please po... mahal na mahal ko si alvin talaga!

just when i thought... i was wrong

I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO MOVE ON AND LIKE BE FOREVER STUCK IN JEFF'S SHADOW BUT I WAS WRONG. DEAD WRONG. AFTER EIGHT YEARS OF BEING AT A COMPLETE LOSS IN JEFF'S MEMORY COMES ALVIN. AT FIRST I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST LIKE THOSE OTHER GUYS THAT I HAD A CRUSH ON BUT AS TIME GOES BY I JUST FOUND MYSELF TOTALLY OVER HIM. I FELL IN LOVE. HE HELPED ME MOVE ON AND LIKE START OVER AGAIN OR LIKE CONTINUE TO BREATHE AGAIN. HE'S DIFFERENT AND DOES NOT REMIND ME OF JEFF IN ANY WAYS. HE'S FRONT ACT WERE LIKE MEAN AND UNPLEASANT BUT BEHIND THOSE UNCARING ACT WERE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR HIS FAMILY. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE AND LOVE ABOUT HIM. HIS NAME IS JOEY ALVIN SAN JUAN- BELZA. I LOVE YOU HONEY. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LOVED BY YOU. I'M ALL YOURS.

water baptism

last Sunday my boyfriend finally decided to be baptized through water. i had the video but wasn't able to upload it yet... maybe soon

If Only

If Only:

If He only knew how much I Love Him
Maybe He would stop hurting me
If He only knew how much he means to me
Then maybe He'd not let these tears from falling

If He only knew that He is my life
Maybe then He could not let me from dying
If He only knew that He is my everything
Then maybe He would not let this things from happening

If Only... He'll love me the way I Love Him
Maybe then He'll knew how I am feeling
If only He'll realize all of these things I am saying
Maybe then He'd be head over heels falling

...If Only

5-27-09
for my honey

piCtuRe diAry EntRy

yesterday we went to campo quatro to cut ourselves some slack one more time! hahaha!

uhmm actually last last saturday we went to pantabangan, nueva ecija to road test our baby "kechup". we had fun, actually a very funny experience cause our baby kechup went flat on a rough road uphill place on our way back home... hehehe... my honey and i went walking our baby 3 or almost 5 kilometers down the hill! dude it was one of a kind mind blowing experience. here are some of the pictures while on our trip. lolz.

MY DREAM WEDDING... haist how I wish Lord!

Shhhh... Keep your voice down low... these plans are just my secret... lol...

I was browsing the web a while ago and I end up at Monique Lhuillier and Vera Wang Site... Darn! can't help but to dream my own wedding! hahaha... funny I know... uhmmm how I wish to have my wedding dream come true... here's the list and some run down. hehehehe.. I hope to get this! so here's the wedding catch!

Wedding Proposal:
Hopefully He'd Propose by the shore early morning, like he'll wake me up while the sun is still asleep and take me beside the beach and we'll wait till the sun comes up and then he'll be on his knees with this plum sapphire stoned engagement ring or could be in a sunset pouring rain with a rare type opal based diamond surrounded engagement ring while asking me " honey you won't mind if I'll walk you here next month on a white wedding dress then spend the rest of my life walking with you would you?" (haha... sweet!) probably I'll cry my tears out answering YES HONEY I WON'T MIND SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE WALKING WITH YOU, AND YES I WOULD MARRY YOU! YES YES YES! darn it! i can't help but get excited... lolz.. i know i know funny huh? (my boyfriend doesn't even want to get married yet though any time soon... how sad... haissssssssst... pathetic me...lol... just kidding... i'm just dreaming ok!)

Wedding Motif A:

A Golden amber or almost yellow one

Wedding Motif B:

Plum and pearl white

Wedding Venue A:

Sunrise Wedding by the Beach Shore

Wedding Venue B:

A Hilltop Garden view in a very nice Resort

Wedding Gown A:


Wedding Gown B:



Wedding Cake A:


Wedding Cake B:


Wedding Flowers A:


Wedding Flower B:


Wedding Hair A:


Wedding Hair B:


Wedding Slip Ons:

Wedding Flip Flops

Wedding Song A:

Pachelbel's Canon in D Major

Wedding Song B:

Feels Like Home- Chantal Kreviazuk

Ha ha.. Okay i know i know... every thing seems to be all planned BY ME already huh? but to remind you these are just my dreams so if by chance that I am about to marry at least I already have an Idea of what i want cause I have envisioned of it already.

I WISH MY HONEY WOULD TURN MY DREAM WEDDING INTO R-E-A-L-I-T-Y

Feels like home

Okay here I go again. I just really want the world to know how much I Love my Boyfriend. I just want the whole world to see how this love I have for him is as bright as the burning rays of sun. I am so happy every time we're together even though we've had a rough start as you guys can read all through out my blog. Every time I am about to think of those days I can't help but cry, cause I almost gave up on him, I almost gave up of this love. I cry every time I remember how he used to hurt me and yet I continue to allow him to hurt me. I remember how he use to lie and send me text messages that he is suppose to send "HER". It hurts and frighten me especially when we are fighting over the same thing over and over again because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH that I was able to give in everything that I am, I LOVE HIM SO DEAR that I forgive him over and over again, I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANY THING IN THIS WORLD that I did fight for my Love for him, even though until now I am still hurting. like right now, I am crying because I can't believe that finally he's with me, though I still have some doubt but I am trying to bring my full trust back for him.

I want to spend the rest of my life and be with Him that even death can't tear us apart. I enjoy every minute of the day I spent with him. I am so happy every time we're together. I love the Idea that we're inseparable and that we enjoy each others company. If he only knew how much He and this moment means to me and how long I've waited for him and his touch and if he only knew how happy he is making me cause I never thought that I would love anyone so much like I am loving him. I don't know what will happened to me if by chance that our fate decided to part our ways and let us take our separate path's on our own because with him I feel complete, with him everything seems to be just so right, with him my future seems so clear, with him it feels like finally I am home where I truly belong.

Honey co I LOVE YOU SO MUCH...

Feels Like Home

di kapanipaniwala

OO na... In Love Na ako... magagawa ko? kala ko di ko na makakalimutan si Jeff tapos biglang pana ni kupido pucha aray! sakto! tumama! hahah! kamakailan lang natatandaan ko pa, Desyembre yun eh, magpapasko katext ko si mareng muging ng ganito:

marz: marz matatapos na naman ang taon wala pa tayong boylet... hahaha
ako: xete, wag mu na nga pinapaalala? mas malupet ako mag-bebente kwatro na loveless pa!

Kita mo nga naman noh? tapos kung babalikan mo yung mga blog ko nung December puro patungkol kay Jeff yun, yung pambihirang lalakeng ipinagkait sakin ng tadhana! haha! (mahal na mahal ko yun dati eh, isipin mo Siyam na taon na wala na akong binanggit na ibang pangalan kundi JEFF!?)

Tapos ng pagsapit ng bagong taon, di ko talaga akalain na magkakaganito ang buhay ko! (bawal mang magmura pero pambihira! SIYETe...) biglang gumulo ang mundo ko! na inlove ako eh! ang gulo talaga lalo na nung una, akalain mo naranasan kong lait-laitin ako, pambihira, makita ko ang mga itsura ng mga yun josko PATAWARIN kayo! oo di ako perpekto, tao lang... bakit ikaw perfect? (OO NA! MAGMAGANDA KAYO! SINALA KAYO SA BUNOT! PERO KUNG DI KO PA ALAM NA KUNG DI PA KAYO MAG-PONDS AT POWDER WITH MATCHING MAXI-PEEL DI PA KAYO DADANDA!... SIGE LAITIN NYO AKO! KALOKANG MGA ITO! mas madanda pa din ako sa inyo... P-E-R-I-O-D hehe)

pero ngayon, masayang masaya na ako... SUBRA! finally i'm with the man long i've been waiting for. i love my honey so much!

When the Lion fell in love with the Lamb

I couldn't help but shiver! (in a good way) darn! my boyfriend is so so sweet! hahah! He made me feel so special, beautiful and loved... finally after three long mournful months I've already found my lullaby... my every sweet escape, my life. He's like a cadbury, I'm getting use to him. He's my morphine, my daily apathy. I met him as a stranger, a really strange stranger and I was right, indeed he was a serial stranger. He use to hurt and make me cry, though, he even use to make me smile. I was like a kid who's been run off with whirly pops and go tantrum then after wards this stranger bribe me with some butterfinger. I don't know how he knew that it was my favorite chocolate after cadbury but because I'm just a kid, a vulnerable fragile juvenile, I, accepted his bribe. I got use of his enticements, his sweet words, his believable promises... then when he thought that I was about to fall completely on his pit the world turned upside-down. The Lion began to tumble down my kind-of-sheep attitude. He got lost in my being benevolent and got avid about my lachrymose eyes. I knock him off of his feet and got swayed by my honeyed voice. I have persuaded the King and made the Lion fall in love with the Lamb, I made him fall in love with me. Now, I could not help but not believe , but I have to cause if I won't then who would? right? I love my beau so much... more than one could ever imagine, I completely prove myself wrong in terms of setting boundaries when it comes about this crazy thing called love, cause once I've set my standard and hemmed my self to things I thought I should only be doing. I Love You Honey, So much too.

GOD SALAMAT PO

sa totoo lang dumadaan pa din ako up to now sa bagyo ng buhay ko. dumating sa point yung buhay ko na inakala ko na madali lang, pero mali ako dahil di kinaya ng utak ko ang mga biglaang pangyayari at nawindang ako. masakit para sa akin na maloko at saktan ng tao na mahal ko, mabuti na lang the table did turned around and i am somehow happy na ngayon. di ko alam, i mean alam ko na di dapat makipag relasyon ang kapwa Kristiano sa mga hindi Kristiano dahil nga may batas ang Dyos dito II Cor. 6:14. pero sa kabilang banda meron ding natala sa Biblia na maaari kang maging dahilan para makakilala sa dyos ang iyong kabiyak. sa ngayon ang alam ko lang may dahilan ang Dyos sa lahat ng mga bagay na nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon dahil diko din lubos maisip kung paanong unting unti nyang inaayos ang mga gusot na dinaanan ko. sya na din mismo ang tumulong sa akin, bagamat sa ngayon magulo pa din ang mga bagay bagay pero alam ko magiging maayos din ang lahat. magiging masaya din kami ng tuluyan ng honey ko, liligaya na din ako at mawawala ng lahat ng alinlangan ko dahil alam ko di kami pababayaan ng Dyos, mabuti sya at di nya hahayaang mapahamak ang mga tao lalo na ang mga anak nya, lalo na ako, kami ng honey ko. mahal na mahal ko sya bagamat masakit at mapait ang pinagdaanan at naging simula namin pero umaasa ako sa tamamng panahon at malapit na yun, aayusin din ng Dyos ang lahat ng bagay at di na ako iiyak ulit ng dahil sa sama ng loob, sobra kong mahal si alvin pati buhay ko kaya kong ibigay, sana lang talagang mahal nya ako ng higit pa sa buhay nya tulad ng sinabi nya. Lord maraming maraming salamat po sa lahat at kayo po ang patuloy na manguna at maghari at gumabay sa relasyon namin ng honey ko. maraming maraming salamat po at binigay nyo sya sa akin, alam ko po may dahilan kayo sa lahat ng ito, God alam ko magiging maayos na ang lahat. thank you po. I LOVE YOU.

5 DAYS VACATION WITH MY HUBBY April 29- May 4 '09

5 HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH THE MAN I TRULY LOVE

ako na yata ang isa sa pinakamasayang tao during this last 5 days! panu kasama ko lang naman ang nag-iisang at pinakamamahal kong tao... ang honey ko, ang lalakeng mapapangasawa ko.

pumayag ang nanay ko for the first time na magkasama kami ng honey ko pero yung nga lang sa tita ko sa pPangasinan pero ayos lang kasi napakasaya namin.

April 29- May 4 2009 wala kaming ginawa kundi mag- beach sa ibat ibang beach ng pangasina like binmaley beach at lingayen gulf at binmaley river tapos nagpunta pa kami ng honey ko sa baguio na kami lang dalawa.

napakasaya namin kahit na hindi namin kabisado yung place sa Baguio, kahit na nawawala at naliligaw at kung saan saang na kami nalusot at kahit naubos na ang pera namin sa taxi fair napakasaya pa din namin dahil isipin mo first date namin to na wala akong chaperon at nasa malayong lugar pa kami at dalawa lang kami!

Nevr be the same again

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

this is yña's actually...i just thought i could re-phrase and re-use it...this is good...

After 3 long months we have finally get through our first ordeal.

3 months of ups and downs.

3 months of laughters and tears…

But even if the past wasn’t the best for us, here we are… happy at last.

Friends ask me why… And everytime I just answer - It’s going to be a new start. A start of something good, maybe not the best, but it’ll be something good. God continues to forgive us inspite of our sins, never fails to give us second chances if we repent. So, who am I to not forgive and give chances. And as I have said - No matter how many times he does it, I’ll never lose hope. I’ll be patient and still have faith because I love him so much and that i don't regret a thing and if i have to I'll do it over and over again.

Faith in God will bind us.

And I’m just going to ask for you to pray for us as well.

To all our friends and family who have helped us make it this far, THANK YOU.

Continue to share with us more memories.

May God be with us all.

BEST THING TO DO IS TO...

Live.

Love.

Laugh.

Try.

Take Chances.

Make Mistakes and Learn from it.

Explore cause in life you need to do things that gets you outside your comfort zone, if you don't then you'll never know what the store might have for you because sometimes we even stop ourselves from doing things that we want to do, even when you win or loose not knowing would be the biggest lost.

Life could be really complicated at times but what makes it more complicated is your decisions, once decided stand by it and face the consequences if you have to.

Never let your Anger eats you cause if that happens you'll be missing one of the life's most EXPENSIVE freedom... the freedom of FORGIVENESS.

So Forgive and Forget and turn back from the past grudges cause there is no really easy way out but accepting the fact that you failed and made mistakes and by accepting the truth it will really set you free.

All of this can only happen if you really know how to LOVE. isn't it that LOVE is the most wonderful thing in this world?

Even if it is your fault or not guys it's never too late to apologize.

So smile cause i love you=)

-joynlazaro